The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize