There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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