nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
