I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
