I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
