I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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