you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
pop tarts are not kleenex
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
