If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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