It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
