If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
