Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
