Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
