That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
