I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
