a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
