Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just threw up on my dentist
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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