Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
After tacos, we're chasing women.
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