Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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