Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
