Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize