nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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