She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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