don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
