sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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