Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize