Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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