It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
