Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
