I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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