9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
