Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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