I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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