remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
