Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Randomize
