I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
