You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
