after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
