Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
