He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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