My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
