She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
