....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
