I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
