Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
