I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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