Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
