HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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