I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
