separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
