just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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