I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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