My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
