guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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