My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
