Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
