So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I could fuck to npr.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
