I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
