you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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