i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
