Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
