Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
