filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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