Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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