I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
