forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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